90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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