I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
