I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
