I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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