I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wish there were birth control emojis
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
