Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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