my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I deserve this hangover.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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