his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
