"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
