She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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