My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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