So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Your dad touched me again.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
