i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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