The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
