She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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