There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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