found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
