This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You ruined the universe
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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