Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Less talking, more tequila
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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