the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
