Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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