Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
