so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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