If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
