In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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