Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
