I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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