Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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