I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
ttyl tear gas
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
