Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
