I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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