bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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