Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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