I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
