Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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