I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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