He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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