i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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