I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
