i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
