I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
