Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
