Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
