You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
