My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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