i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
