i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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