The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
