I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
