My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
