Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
