did you get engaged???
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
